Ask Others, Trust Yourself by Elisa Balabram

When I first started coaching entrepreneurs nine years ago, I was nervous. I asked a friend and colleague what to do if I didn’t know an answer to my first client’s questions. She wisely recommended that I could say I didn’t know, but would research it. What a relief! I didn’t have to know all the answers. Almost ten years later, it’s rarely the case that I don’t have an answer, but I realized that it’s not important to have answers at all. The key is to help others figure out the answers on their own, and to ask great questions.

One time a client shared with me this unhealthy habit she had and that she wanted to commit to stopping it. After a while she turned to me and asked, Elisa, why do you think I do this? I went over it in my head, thinking of something smart to say, asking myself, why does she do this?, please say something smart, come up with a good answer, I told myself. All I could come up with was I have no idea! Instead of saying that out loud, I thought of a question, and I asked her: When did you first start this habit, do you remember it? I thought that her answer would help us come up with a reason together. She paused, thought about it, and she smiled and said I got it, I know why I do this, I can let it go now, thank you. She never told me when or why and it didn’t matter. What mattered was that she got the answer she needed from within, and I was simply the catalyst to help her find her answers. When I followed up with her, she confirmed that she no longer had that habit.

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After I published the article “Get over it already, or maybe not”, I felt sick to my stomach. The thoughts that came to mind included, how can you share this with the world wide web?, what will people think of you?, did you just admit you failed?, what did you just do? Those are just some of the thoughts that came up for me, combined with the body sensations of sickness.

Luckily, I had to attend a lunch meeting, and couldn’t keep dwelling on those thoughts. When I got home, a few hours later, I was encouraged by all the responses the article had gotten. They included supportive comments, acknowledgment of the process I described, and gratitude by those experiencing a similar situation.  It was wonderful to read the posts offering additional information to help those going through their own healing process.

The comments kept coming, by email, Facebook messages, comments within the article, and even in person meetings. Many told me that thanks to my article they realized they weren’t alone, they realized they weren’t the only ones going through a heart break, and that it was fine to  reach out for support. I also deeply appreciate the thank you notes from those who found the strategy of living moment to moment helpful.

Interestingly enough, others who have not read the article are also becoming even more vulnerable and open with me than they ever allowed themselves to be. The reality is that once you let go of your masks, and you become fully real with yourself first and foremost, and with others, people respond to you the same way.

How are you being real? Ask yourself the following questions:

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A few days ago I went to a family lunch and shared that I was looking into buying a bike. They mentioned that they had a bike they hadn’t used in years and they showed it to me. It’s a beautiful vintage bike as you can see from the above photo, and I’m so grateful they offered it to me. It’s a man’s bike and it’s kind of too tall for me, though. They suggested I gave it a try, since no one was using it. After work yesterday I stopped by to pick it up and to ride it back home. I checked my friend’s site www.ridethecity.com, to get the safest route in Brooklyn, and I followed it.

Before I tell you how the journey went, let me share my own journey with riding bicycles. I did ride as a child and a little bit as a teenager, but maybe over twenty years had passed until I tried again. I was at a friend’s beach house in Rhode Island a few years ago, and her granddaughter wanted to ride her bike and she invited me to go with her. When I got on the bike, fear took over, and I told her I couldn’t do it. She said, “tell yourself: Yes, I can, Yes, I can, Yes, I can.” She was seven years old at the time. She also gave me some great tips, I honestly didn’t remember how to get started and I’m still using her tips to this day. I loved it! So, every year since, I have made a point to rent a bike with a friend, at least once, and ride it either at Central Park or by the Riverside Park. Every time, I walked the bike through traffic and then rode it where I felt it was safe.

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Last month I moved to a new place. Here is my journey and the steps I took and recommend you take when handling life changing experiences of any kind.

First, there was the certainty that it was time to move from where I had lived for the past eight years. The move was actually about two years or so passed due. But I procrastinated. I made excuses. I stayed. To be honest, I don’t care for moving.

Second, it was hard to find the new place. I wrote a list of requirements I really wanted or would like to have. I wrote a vision of my life at this new place. It was overwhelming when one of the first places I saw had nothing at all to do with my list; it was pretty much the opposite of what I wanted. I realized now that it was a set up, so that I would keep looking and know for sure when I found the one. I share this, so that if it happens to you, and you are tested by attracting the opposite of what you imagined, simply say no, walk away, and go back to the drawing board.

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Do you ever find yourself going on a loop of negative thoughts leading to more negativity and tears? Do you feel like crawling under the bed and just crying at times?

I was feeling this way the other day. It felt like it was all doom and gloom and that there was no way out. It is normal to feel this way when we are going through any kind of transition and when we have more questions than answers.

It was interesting that soon after I started feeling this way, a friend called me out of the blue to touch base, and she even said it herself, I thought of emailing but decided to call, and she was glad she did. I was too, just sharing my feelings with her helped. Then, when I started getting myself back together, I got an email from another friend inviting me to go to Central Park in the evening to enjoy the tulips. The photo of this post is from that evening.

I didn’t want to show up all messed up and in my own drama, so I stopped what I was doing, and meditated. I asked for guidance and received so much more. My energy had shifted, my awareness of what’s possible had grown and I was feeling myself again.

What can you do when you feel you are going on a downward spiral?

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