During my childhood, if someone would have asked what I wanted to be, I would have said a ballerina. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s likely that even if I hadn’t experienced the negative feedback I did, as you will read in this article, I still wouldn’t have done it. I was five years old when I participated in a few dance performances, and the above pictures were taken.
A few years later, when a dance company opened a ballet studio three blocks from my parents' home, I signed up for their modern ballet yearly program. Every year, we would perform at the theater for family and friends, and I loved it. Towards the end of my third year, the teacher approached me and said that she was recommending that I repeated the year. I didn't say a word. I've always been shy and had no idea how to speak up for myself. What hurt the most was that, throughout the year, she never said anything about my performance or how I could have improved.
I was disappointed, frustrated, and decided not to repeat the year. I was called lazy by a member of the dance group who founded the dance studio, but I didn’t think that was the case. I chose instead to switch modalities, and signed up for classic and jazz. I remember during one of the classic lessons – I stood in position and when the pianist played the first note, I started the routine we had just learned. The teacher asked me to get out of the way as I was blocking her from seeing the student next to me. I went to the bathroom, cried and waited until the class was over to pick up my stuff and leave. Again, I didn’t say anything. It has been a long way since, and I got much better at speaking up for myself.
I loved the jazz modality the most and kept at it for a little longer. One of my teachers said, after our practice for the end of the year performance, that I was missing “salt”. It’s a Brazilian expression that in English means that I didn't have "it". I had no clue how to get salt, and I didn’t ask either. During junior year of high school I let go of ballet, and of all its modalities for good. I was sure I'd never be a ballerina, and would probably never dance ballet or perform again.
Many years later, after getting the bachelor’s degree, I signed up for dance classes of a freer style with Brazilian Axe music, at the gym in the mall where my family has a business. There was no goal to advance, and no performance at the end of the year, it was simply an exercising activity. I felt alive and got in great shape, while practicing it for about a year.
After I moved to NY, I didn’t dance for thirteen years. At some point, I worked with the coach Persephone Zill on the steps provided in the book "The Artist Way" by Julia Cameron, and I wrote a letter to my dance teachers, expressing myself and forgiving them, and I shredded it. It certainly helped with the healing process.
In 2012, I signed up for an alternative dance style created by Michelle Locke called Wu-Tao. It was a 4-session program, with Michelle teaching the first two and Anna Brooke*, who was getting her certification to teach it in NY, teaching the last two. At the end of the second lesson, I thanked Michelle for her classes, and she said I was a beautiful dancer. She had no idea what that meant to me. It felt amazing to hear it.
I realized years ago that I was never meant to be a ballerina. I did as a child love to attend ballet performances, and to enjoy how they expressed themselves. It always touched my heart. That’s what I craved, to be able to truly and passionately express myself, to feel alive, and to experience that same feeling in my heart. It turned out that I didn’t have the body or “it” to be a ballerina, but I have found my way to self-expression and to my heart, through writing, teaching, painting and sometimes even dancing just for fun. I just have to keep reminding myself to “Dance like nobody’s watching” (line taken from the song “Come from the Heart” by Susanna Clark).
I invite you to look back at your childhood career dreams, and if you are not yet pursuing it, ask yourself the following questions:
- Was there a deeper meaning for you when you considered that career path?
- What was the underlying theme of what you used to say you wanted to be when you grew up?
- What was it that you most wanted to experience or feel then?
- How could you experience it now?
- How much validation or discouragement did you receive when you shared your dreams with others? And how did it impact your life? Have you taken the time to make peace with it and let it go?
Answering these questions honestly, can help you check in with yourself, and decide if you need to make any changes to your life, career or business.
If you are not yet experiencing what you craved for, and still crave it, and would like to consider changing careers or launching a new business, I can help. Contact me to schedule a Skype call and discuss how we can work together.
I’d love to hear what you dreamed of becoming as a child, and if you have pursued that career path or not.
Namaste,
Elisa
* You can learn more about Wu-Tao and taking classes with Anna in NYC by visiting her website at http://www.annabrookehealing.com/wu-tao-dance/.
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