On Friday I attended another Paint Nite event. I wrote about my first experience here. I had planned to arrive 15 minutes early, but the 6:19pm bus I was going to take never came. The next bus arrived at 6:43pm and I ended up getting to the bar 12 minutes late. On my way there I was dealing with my feelings, trying not to cry and negotiating my options. I asked that I could mend time and arrive on time. When it became clearly impossible that it would happen, I asked that the instructor would start after I arrived.
I got there, and as soon as I gave my name to get a blank canvas, the instructor started the class. I didn’t miss a thing! I sat down and started painting with everyone else. I briefly thanked this miracle and moved on. I didn’t take time to breathe though, or to ground myself. Perhaps the painting would have been nicer if I had done so. It was a very humid evening, and I chose to have my hair in a ponytail and wear a headband. The painter’s assistant asked to take my picture while I was painting it and I said sure, even though I was self-conscious about my hair, and my smile was as fake as it can be, as I remained emotionally charged throughout the evening.
The class was intense and very fast, and my painting didn’t look like the original one too much. As I did last time, I added a few touches of my own, so that it would be recognizable as mine. On my way out, they asked if they could take a picture of me with the painting, and I said sure! Again, I faked a smile, and I was aware of it.
I decided to take two subways back home, rather than risk waiting for the bus for who knows how long. When I got off the subway it seemed like it was about to rain, and I wasn’t carrying an umbrella. I figured that if it did indeed rain, it would make the painting more interesting. But it didn’t rain until I got home. I stopped by Rite Aid, and the cashier saw my painting and he said “Wow! Did you paint this? It’s so beautiful!” And after I explained where I did it, we chatted about the major he is pursuing in college, and the arts course he took last semester.
Two days later I checked Paint Nite’s Facebook page, to see the photos of the event, and I realized that they didn’t post any they had taken of me. First, I figured that my painting was so horrible that it would scare future attendees of their events. And I went on an inner dialogue about what I could have done differently with the painting. Then, I was convinced that I looked terrible myself in the picture, and therefore they didn’t include it. I went through the habitual self-talk of bad hair; of not looking nice enough; and I’m not that great at painting fast or at all, etc… I didn’t remember what the cashier had told me about the painting, I blocked it out. It took me a day or so to take a step back, laugh at myself and my self-talk, and deepen my self-love. There could be any reason my photos weren’t included. Maybe my eyes were closed, maybe the lighting was bad, or maybe they chose to show the photos of groups, to encourage people to sign up with friends, rather than going alone like I did.
Even if it’s true that they chose not to post the photos because of the horrible painting or a painter with a bad hair day, and fake smile, it doesn’t make me ugly, less than, or not talented. In fact, until I give the painting away, I have hung it in my apartment, and if I may say so myself, with little lighting and from a distance, it actually looks pretty good. ; )
What is your habitual self-talk? How does it get triggered? I invite you to practice paying attention to your self-talk, and see how you can start to shift it, by adding a dosage of self-love.
To change the habitual self-talk you need:
- Awareness – Learn to stop yourself from the negative self-talk when it is happening. It took me a little while to figure out what I was doing, but once I did, I shifted it.
- Discipline to pay attention – Have daily reminders to take a step back and notice where your self-talk is at, and how you can change it.
- Creative thinking to look at it from a different point of view – Go back to the situation that triggered the self-talk, what else is possible there? How can you add lightness to it? Is it possible to have a more positive outlook? I decided that even if they chose not to post the photo because of my looks or my painting, it was their choice, and I didn’t have to feel bad about it. Also, it might be a good thing not to have my picture on their page.
- Willingness to change it – Be prepared to practice a new and loving self-talk every day. It can be as simple as “I love myself”.
- Change what you can – Is there any basis for your self-talk? If yes, can you do anything about it? I know that my hair and humidity do not get along, and I could search for new hair products that could get different results. I can also sign up for painting classes, or commit to practice it on my own.
Cheers to breaking the cycle of the habitual negative self-talk, and to creating more loving and empowering self-talks. Feel free to share the strategies you use to shift your inner dialogue.
Namaste,
Elisa Balabram
PS. In case you are wondering why I didn’t include the painting’s image in this post, I painted it as a gift. And I don’t want the couple I’m giving it to, to know about it, or to see it before the day comes for them to receive it.
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